


No Good Relationship...

by Arabesqueangel



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Consensual But Not Safe Or Sane, Heavy Angst, Loki (Marvel) Feels, M/M, Not Happy, Suicide, Tony Angst, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-09-07 19:24:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20314744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arabesqueangel/pseuds/Arabesqueangel
Summary: No good relationship ever started with a kidnapping. Ok, maybe that isn’t actually true, Tony doesn’t know one way or another, but it feels true. Still he’s Tony Stark, when has he ever done the smart thing? The Reasonable thing? No, he does the thing that no one in their right mind would ever do, but somehow it works out for him anyways because he’s Tony Stark.So, when Loki, god of being really annoying, somehow manages to teleport Tony directly out of the elevator when he is heading home from an investors meeting, and therefore doesn’t have his suit, and then ties him to a chair, Tony’s first impulse is to flirt. Then again, if Tony is being honest, his first impulse is always to flirt, especially with Loki. He doesn’t mean anything by it. Loki’s is crazy and evil, but he’s also wickedly, insanely hot too, so there’s that. Also, Loki totally flirts back, which really helps immensely. If there’s anything Tony loves more than a captive audience it’s a participatory one.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, all that fluffy I've been posting lately, it was just a small snag on the way to this guy. 
> 
> I debated up and down about the tags because I hate spoilers, but I also don't want anyone to get into something they aren't going to like so, yeah, heed the warnings. There is no happy ending to be had here. 
> 
> I could say blame Rabentochter because she gave me my bingo squares, but that would be a total lie. I did a happy dance when I saw these squares. When my husband suggested that I try to do a bingo in a single fic of 5 chapters, I knew exactly what I wanted to do.
> 
> So we're starting light with square O2: Ready the Death Ray Minon (from Megamind)

No good relationship ever started with a kidnapping. Ok, maybe that isn’t actually true, Tony doesn’t know one way or another, but it feels true. Still he’s Tony Stark, when has he ever done the smart thing? The Reasonable thing? No, he does the thing that no one in their right mind would ever do, but somehow it works out for him anyways because he’s Tony Stark. 

So, when Loki, god of being really annoying, somehow manages to teleport Tony directly out of the elevator when he is heading home from an investors meeting, and therefore doesn’t have his suit, and then ties him to a chair, Tony’s first impulse is to flirt. Then again, if Tony is being honest, his first impulse is always to flirt, especially with Loki. He doesn’t mean anything by it. Loki’s is crazy and evil, but he’s also wickedly, insanely hot too, so there’s that. Also, Loki totally flirts back, which really helps immensely. If there’s anything Tony loves more than a captive audience it’s a participatory one. 

“Alrighty, what’s your diabolical plan this time Dr. Evil?” Tony asks lightly, as if he isn’t just itching to get the damn ropes off of his arm. 

It’s funny, you would think after he’s been kidnapped more times than he can count without resorting to pulling off his shoes that he’d be used to it by now. Nope, it still sucks every time. Even when you are pretty damn sure your team will save you, and mostly sure your kidnapper won't kill you; only mostly sure because Loki was still a bag of cats and he could surprise on occasion. 

“It’s pretty straightforward actually. I wanted to inconvenience you,” Loki responds entirely straight-faced. 

Tony eyes him suspiciously. That was both unbelievable and totally believable at the same time. Loki could go to some pretty ridiculous schemes for really minor reasons, but Tony would never believe that Loki ever did something all for just one reason that he would lay out for Tony so simply.

Tony sighs. “Come on, Loki. Have you really not read the supervillain manual yet? You are supposed to go into incredible detail explaining how taking me out gets you world domination. Then you shout ‘ready the death ray, minion’ and I break out of the ropes in the time it takes the death ray to get to me and I go home happy.” 

“I don’t have a minion,” Loki replied thoughtfully. Which, was really not what Tony was going for, thoughtful Loki. Maybe he was lonely? Then again, with that body, he really never had a reason to be. Nope, not the time. He isn’t even going to acknowledge the quote that went over Loki’s head. There was no way the god had made time in his quest for world conquest to watch Megamind, even though something told Tony he could probably learn a few things if he did. 

“Right?” Loki yelled over to his left. Tony looked over and, of course, there was no one there. Which was exactly what Loki wanted from that little stunt, right? At this point, who knew? Tony suspected that Loki was actually less crazy than he came across, but he didn’t know the guy well enough to be able to tell. 

“Come on, Loki, be honest. That can’t possibly be your only reason. Are you really that bored?”

“Well, maybe I also wanted to point out to you the fallacies of relying on your technology to protect you when I wield far greater powers. Perhaps I wanted to show the rest of your team just how powerless you were without your armour. Or maybe you are right, Stark, maybe I really am just that bored.” Loki shrugs like it doesn’t matter what the reason is, or like he doesn’t even know what it is himself. Both are probably somewhat correct. Damn it.

“Well, if I go with Door Number 3, where you are that bored, there are are far more interesting things you can do. They might also involve rope as well if that your thing, but mainly less clothing,” Tony offers.

Loki growled at him, literally growled. “Your sly tongue will not get you out of this one, Stark!”

“Well maybe not with talking, no. But there are many other talents my tongue has.” Tony looks Loki up and down lasciviously and waggles his eyebrows.

Let the record stand, Tony absolutely did not expect that Loki would actually take him up on his offer. He isn’t entirely sure of the strict series of events, it all gets a little blurry with the green flashes of magic, but the important part is where Tony ended up on his knees with Loki’s cock in his mouth giving the blowjob of his life; it was hopefully the blowjob of Loki’s life too since there was quite a bit riding on it. Ooh, riding, maybe they could get to that later. Test that godly refractory period. 

Looking up at Loki’s face, eyes closed, mouth parted, lost in a sea of pleasure, Tony really wants to do this again. It’s an odd thought to have, that is if you really are just offering sex for the sake of getting free of your captor. But Loki has always been far more interesting than any old villain. Tony would be lying if he said he’d never masturbated to this very scene before. He is certainly hard enough to drive nails right now. 

And that is how Tony and Loki become fuck buddies, or fuck enemies; fuck neutrals? Tony isn’t sure. He just knows that it is definitely not a relationship and therefore he’s totally fine.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, now we get into the heart of the matter. Bingo category and prompt will be at the notes at the end otherwise it will be a total spoiler.

It’s good, for a while. Oh, who is Tony kidding, it’s fucking awesome. Everything is fighting and innuendo leading to hot sex. There’s the thrill of almost getting caught when Steve abuses the emergency bypass code Tony gave him to barge into the lab. Now, to be fair, Tony had been in the lab for two days straight, so maybe Rogers, who was still a bit new to Tony’s quirks, could reasonably be expected to consider that an emergency. Unfortunately, he happened to pick the one time in those two days when Tony was currently trying to put a Loki-shaped dent into his desk, but, you know, in the fun way, not the fighting way. 

It’s a perfect situation. They both need the secrecy, so there’s no worrying about anything they do getting leaked to the press like Tony’s had to deal with before. Pepper and JARVIS still wont let him live those sex tapes down. Apparently, once you’ve had one get leaked, most people wouldn’t make a second, and definitely not a third. But, if he hasn’t mentioned it before, Tony isn’t most people. 

Then, you have the fact that there aren’t any feelings to tip-toe around. Neither of them are in it for anything more than the sex; neither of them are in the market for anything approaching a relationship, so it’s refreshing to have something so straightforward. It is even better than one night stands because Tony doesn’t have to go searching for someone new every time he gets an itch, and there is no dealing with the uncertainty of how a stranger will act. Ok, that second part is totally a lie; Loki is as crazy and unpredictable as ever. But at least Loki never sleeps over, so no awkward mornings after. Really, it’s perfect. 

Or, it is if you ignore the fact that Loki and Tony still fight each other in public on a semi-regular basis, which yeah is still totally sexy, but kind of annoying when he can’t move straight to the sex. Then, sometimes Loki can be a little scary when he surprises Tony in the middle of the night, popping in and just starting with the sex. The whole knifeplay experiment too was a lesson in ‘less is more’, but Tony wasn’t seriously, permanently injured. And Tony’s never really sure what to say or do when Loki starts muttering to himself or to people who don’t seem to be there.

With normal well adjusted people, i.e. not Loki or Tony, their situation would have gone one of two ways: the lust would have fizzled and eventually they would just stop and move on or as they spent time together talking with one another, that time outside of sex would have increased until they developed an actual friendship or even relationship outside of being fuck buddies. Then again, normal, well-adjusted people wouldn’t be in a relationship with a legitimate psychopath so, maybe just the first option.

Either way, neither of those two options happens. Just like how the whole thing started in the first place, where they went from enemies to sex in a ridiculously short amount of time. The relationship takes a turn for the serious just as quickly and takes them both by just as much of a surprise. 

Tony’s having a nightmare; nothing specific, or at least nothing he can make sense of. Random mixtures of images, sounds and feelings: a dank cave; his heart feeling like it is going to explode out of his chest with a panic attack; falling, always falling. But then there’s a soothing voice in his ear and he comes back to his body, to awareness with a light hand in his hair and a long body tucked around his back. Tony immediately turns and buries his face in Loki’s chest. Loki’s arms wrap tighter around him and Tony lulls himself back to sleep with the steady sound of Loki’s heartbeat and his warm, silky voice whispering soothing nothings. 

Tony knows that Loki hadn’t come to his room with the intention of helping him with a nightmare; it had been to scare the pants off of him and them promptly fuck him.  But just that little gesture of kindness and all of a sudden a switch is flipped and there are feelings. They actually talk and not just the dirty kind during sex either, but about themselves too, their dreams and fears. They tell stories and Loki is just ridiculously funny, even when Tony can’t tell if it’s intentional or not. 

But with feelings comes complications, because really, Loki and Tony are two people who should  _ not  _ be in any sort of relationship, much less with each other. Also, neither of them are particularly shy about their opinions or how they believe they are always the smartest one in the room. It starts with nagging and poking. And at first, the arguing and fighting is fun. Much like the actual fighting, it’s hot and generally leads to awesome make up sex. 

But, of course, they get more clever at it, start hitting where it really hurts. Yet, at the same time, they get themselves in deeper. The hurting leads to comforting which leads to actual sex rather than just fucking. It’s confusing, except for all the ways in which it makes perfect sense. Basically Tony is a wreck and Loki is a basket-case. It can only end badly.

They’re fighting, again. But this time, Tony senses there is something different. There isn’t that fire behind the green eyes when they usually argue. There isn’t this roaring anticipation behind it all of the awesome make-up sex they are going to have afterwards. And by usually, Tony means just yesterday. Once again, his lover has turned on a dime and Tony is just trying to ride the wave. Really, Loki just looks tired. Tony didn’t even realize Loki could look tired, being a god and all. Something about it all makes Tony’s stomach roil. 

“I’m just done, Stark. I don’t know what more I can do,” Loki sighs. 

“You could call me Tony just once,” Tony mutters under his breath. Loki’s eyes flash. There it is, there’s that spark. 

“Fine, Tony. Is that what would you like, Tony? Now will you stop hiding me away in the dark, Tony? If I call you by your first name will that make you even a shade less ashamed to be around me?” Loki spits. 

Ah, yes, this. Tony’s not sure what changed between yesterday and today, but it’s not like any of these complaints are coming out of nowhere, just the overall delivery and feel to the conversation.But at the end of the day, Tony’s argument will always be the same. Loki just doesn’t get it. He’s tried to take over the world. He escaped prison on his home planet. He doesn’t have anyone he cares about or anything he’s beholden to. He can’t possibly understand the pressure Tony is under. Tony barely even got on the Avengers, it was just the strange confluence of events with Loki showing up that even got him on the team despite Fury’s decision. If he were to come out about his relationship with Loki, he could throw that out the window, pun intended. 

Then you have the public and business considerations. ‘Tony Stark dates male supervillian’ would not go over well with either audience. He has enough of the public that still hates his guts, despite all the work he’s done eliminating the weapons manufacturing arm of his company and helping the Avengers save the world. And sure, he may be the majority shareholder in Stark Industries but he still has a board of directors and other shareholders to worry about, and they tend to be old, conservative white guys who would probably hate the fact that Loki is a man far more than the fact that he’s a villain. 

Yet, when Tony very calmly and logically points these arguments out to Loki, he doesn’t take it well. Yes, Tony is absolutely putting that lightly if the broken tv has anything to say about it. Which, it doesn’t, because it’s smashed into a zillion pieces and won't be saying anything ever again.

So, Tony says three words that he never really thought he’d say to Loki, but turn out to be some of the most meaningful of their entire relationship. He hates that he’s saying them to Loki’s back, but really, there was no other way. 

“Wait, you’re leaving?” What other three words would he be saying? This is the important part, Tony’s supposed to be the one that leaves, not his crazy-pants enemy with benefits.

Loki turns around; he looks absolutely cut open and Tony doesn’t know what else he could say. He can’t do what Loki wants, he just can’t. But he really can’t bear to see Loki leave either, he’s surprised to find. Why do feelings need to mess everything up? Everything was so good when they were just screwing; but then he had to start to care about Loki, about how he is, about what he feels. It didn’t change the facts of the situation, it just made it all that much harder. 

“Yes, Tony, I’m leaving,” Loki says finally, “and it looks like you are letting me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was square B2: Wait, you're leaving?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, more in this little angst train. This chapter is for square N2: Don't Go. Which I'll admit, I don't use the most creatively...

“Don’t go,” Tony begs then. Really, honestly begs, like he doesn’t think he ever has in his life. Should he get on his knees? Loki does like it when Tony kneels for him. Then again, he’ll probably see it as another desperate effort from Tony to keep Loki around purely through sex. Tony is thinking that probably wont work like it has the other three times he tried it. 

“Do you think I want to? Do you think that this isn’t absolutely tearing my heart out? It’s not like I had much left to begin with. I didn’t ask for this any more than you did. We both got into this purely for lust and that worked; it really did. I didn’t think I was capable of anything else, not after everything that happened. But against my own wishes, you made me feel for you. Still, that was fine because you seemed to grow into it the same way I had. But somewhere along the line, my feelings kept growing and apparently yours stopped.”

“That isn’t true, you know that isn’t true, Loki. Just because there are real life concerns and issues I have to deal with doesn’t negate how I feel about you,” Tony protests.

“Doesn’t it? Tell me Stark, who do you love more, me or the Avengers?” Loki asks. 

Tony splutters. Love? Love! Love was certainly not something on the table; Loki had never even said that he loved Tony, so where the hell was that coming from? And it wasn’t like Tony really  _ loved _ the Avengers, that wasn’t a thing. 

“Oh don’t try to weasel out of this with some tricky language, you know that it’s not the same thing at all. That’s not what’s at issue here.”

“I love you, Tony. I would offer to go serve my sentence in Asgard to prove that to you, but as that would be for the rest of my life and therefore far more than yours,it wouldn’t accomplish much. Should I turn myself in to SHIELD? Would they release me sometime in your lifetime? Though, that wouldn’t do anything for your company that you also love so much more than me. So, what can I do, Stark? What would prove to you how much I care about you?”

Tony gaped at Loki. He loved Tony. He actually, truly did, or at least thought he did. Shit. That was unexpected. And Tony, well, Tony honestly wasn’t sure. It really might be love, Tony knew there was definitely the potential for that, but it was so wrapped up in worry and guilt that it was hard to break out an emotion that pure and good from all of the bad. Could you really love someone who didn’t even like themselves? Possibly didn’t even really know themselves anymore?

“You could try not being a villain? Not attacking people? Destroying things? You know, those stunts you pull on a semi-regular basis?” Tony spouts off. 

That would help, right? If they could do some PR spin on Loki not hurting anyone, not facing the Avengers consistently, well that wouldn’t really fix the male thing, and while Tony figured he could probably get Thor and Bruce on his side if Loki really showed a desire to change, Steve and Clint in particular were almost certainly no-goes. Fuck, there was no good solution was there?

“And give up the only way I get to consistently see you? Interact with you? To give up the opportunity to be myself? Yes, of course that is what you would wish. You’re so wrapped up in your own image, you’re completely blinded to what is going on around you aren’t you?” Loki laughs. Loki doesn’t stop laughing. He bends over with the force of it, looking like he’s about to vomit with the laughter bubbling up inside him. 

“What do you mean by that?” Tony shouts over the din.

Just as abruptly as Loki started, Loki stops laughing. He looks up at Tony, there are tears rolling from his eyes that have an entirely different context now that his face is somber rather than darkly amused. 

“Why don’t you try to find out yourself? I’ll remove myself as a distraction. Maybe without the lust and guilt clouding your eyes you’ll finally be able to see.”

And with that parting comment, Loki was gone. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short hiatus, had to get my exchange fic posted. Bingo square prompt in end notes since once again, it would be a spoiler.

It only takes a week for Tony to see what Loki was talking about. Loki hasn’t harmed a single person since before he and Tony got together. Those stunts he pulled? All things that caused no more damage than traffic and messy streets. How had they not noticed this? How could  _ he  _ have missed the pattern? Loki really was just doing it to be himself, to see Tony. So, of course, Tony feels like a complete ass. Loki hasn’t been any true villain for a very long time, but Tony had continued to treat him as such. He really is blind.

Still, it doesn’t change anything. Not really. Tony realizes he has two options. He can throw away everything he has ever worked for in his life to be with Loki or he can let the fire die out on this relationship and they could both move on. So yeah, both options sucked, but the second one had the potential to stop sucking in the future right? Really, what is the future of a relationship with Loki anyways? There is still the whole mortal issue. He’ll get old and die real damn quick, and Loki will stay young and hot for long after Tony is dead and buried. Where the hell would they live if Tony gives up everything? Loki is a fugitive everywhere reasonable in the Nine Realms and despite his lack of current villainy, his past actions mean that probably won't change anytime soon. So, Tony does the hard thing, but the best thing; he lets Loki go.

But somehow, Tony just knows that won’t be the end of it. Ok, that isn’t entirely true. Tony doesn’t  _ want _ that to be the end of it. It only takes a month before Tony missing Loki feels like a weight on his chest all the time. He isn’t one for crying or anything, but he feels like there are tears just waiting behind his eyes, looking for some excuse to start flowing. It is agonizing in a way that Tony has never experienced before, not even with Pepper. Part of it is knowing that it is all on him. He could have Loki at his side, all he needs to do is throw the rest of his life away for it. Two months later, life isn’t looking all that great without Loki anyways, so he’s just about at his breaking point. 

So, of course, that’s when everything blows up. Thor comes bursting into team dinner saying that Heimdall has spotted Loki. That’s suspicious in itself considering Loki’s been on the run for two years and Heimdall’s never been able to catch him before. Apparently, he’s amassing a significant level of power in rural Pennsylvania of all places, miles away from the closest town. While there’s no immediate jeopardy to any people, they can’t just let Loki carry on with the equivalent of a nuclear weapon, so they assemble and head to Loki.

Tony hasn’t really considered the first time he’ll see Loki again in any situation other than him begging on his knees to be taken back. So when he shows up, Avengers in tow, and sees Loki just sitting on the ground, hugging his knees to his chest, he really can’t quite process that this is real. Loki looks up at them as they surround him, giving him a very wide berth considering the information Thor has. But Loki doesn’t take up combat positions, he just calmly gets to his feet and smiles sadly at them. 

“Thank you for coming,” he says and the lack of emotion in his tone makes Tony shiver. “I figured disappearing for good wouldn’t be enough for you all to have any sort of closure, so there was no way to do this without an audience.”

Fuck, that’s why they are here, out in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere instead of Loki’s usual playing ground. No, he got them all out here so they could see him die. So that they will know that Loki is no longer a threat. So that Tony will know that he is free. Tony’s not sure of why he is so deadly certain of this, but he is.

But Tony doesn’t want to be free, he wants Loki right here by his side all the time. He may be a complete idiot for not realizing it until now but, there it is. Tony Stark may be a genius with numbers and science but he’s a complete moron when it comes to the human, or alien, condition. But it isn’t too late. Loki hasn’t hurt anyone, hasn’t hurt himself, Tony can fix this. He just really wishes he didn’t have to do it in front of the Avengers. 

But no, that’s exactly how it needs to happen, isn’t it? This is what Loki wants. Tony needs to claim him in front of the people whose opinions matter the most to him, and that’s the people who are so conveniently gathered around him. This doesn’t have to be hard. Tony just needs to step forward and say something. 

“Loki, I’m sorry,” Tony starts. 

Loki turns to Tony, finally makes eye contact for the first time. Tony looks into those bright green eyes that he loves so much. Tony sucks in a surprised, pained breath. There’s nothing there that he expects. He anticipates pain and rage and all those fiery, bright things that he associates with Loki. But there’s nothing there, just death. 

“Brother, that’s too much energy. If you keep on this path we could all be destroyed,” Thor shouts. 

Great, murder suicide then. Just what they need from an all-powerful crazy god. 

“Not all, just me, Thor. Goodbye, Brother.” Loki turns to Tony again. “Goodbye Tony.”

Fuck that. Tony did not come this far, did not work through all his crappy emotional issues to come out the other side knowing what he wants, for Loki to throw it all away. No, Loki loves him. So, he may be perfectly willing to kill himself, but there’s no way that he is willing to kill Tony. But Loki seems very certain that whatever build up of energy is going on isn’t going to kill the surrounding Avengers. 

Ignoring the shouts of his team, Tony flies forward and grabs Loki by the waist. Loki’s mad expression flickers with surprise for a moment and just that bit of reaction gives Tony hope. 

“I love you, Loki,” Tony says clearly. And it’s like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. It’s out now, it’s there for everyone to see. Whatever happens will happen, but he’s done what he needs to do. “So, you die, I die.”

Tony looks into Loki’s eyes again, looking for love, acceptance, hope, relief, but all he sees is fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Square I2: "You die, I die"
> 
> See? The prompts practically demanded this angst fest! Who am I to fight it?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you ready? I'm not sure I am...
> 
> This final chapter of my full bingo fic is G2: It's not time that matters, it's the person. A doctor who quote.

It’s not time that matters, it’s the person. Loki will never forget his mother’s words to him as a boy. He didn’t get it at first. They were gods they lived longer than any other being in the Nine Realms, time was all they had. That held true throughout Loki’s life. He loved and lost, people came and went through Loki’s life, but he held precious the fact that he always had more time. More time to meet someone else to love or just lust for. More time to get to know a new friend. More time to get over a hurt or separate oneself from a tragedy. Time was always on Loki’s side. Until Anthony Stark came into his life. 

At first, Loki was just curious about the man that showed no fear, who teased and laughed and downright flirted in the face of danger. It was a curiosity bordering on obsession, but nothing approaching any actual feelings. Loki had no illusions about his worth; he was broken, utterly and fundamentally, and all he could do was scrape together some semblance of life.

Perhaps the worst part of Loki’s insanity was the fact that he was aware of it. He was granted, or cursed, with stretching moments of lucidity where he could contemplate the broken fragments of his mind, even attempt to put them together into something approaching order. He never succeeded, of course, which was part of the madness. 

But the Void wasn’t a product of his broken mind. Whatever disease had infected him when he found out the truth of his heritage had just made him more susceptible to it. The Other may have had the power to pull him out, but the Void wanted him back. It called to him at the most inopportune times. It chased him with fear, using Thanos’s rumble; it tempted him with the soothing words of his mother; it baited him to rage with the callous ramblings of his true father. He tried to ignore it, tried to fight it back, but it always knew the right button to push at the right time. Knew when it could make Loki snap, especially in front of others, trying to make him look like he was talking to someone who wasn’t there. He wasn’t  _ that _ insane. Right?

When Loki kidnapped Tony Stark, he had no idea what would come of it. It had been personal, he didn’t kidnap just anyone after all, but it hadn’t been for any clear purpose, or at least, not one that he could discern at the moment. He anticipated that he probably would understand it enough to regret it later though. But then, Stark had let loose that clever tongue and apparently Loki wasn’t the only crazy one in the room because just like that they were having sex. 

As their arrangement continued, Loki was still under no illusions. It was mutually beneficial, it was satisfying, but it was nothing. Still, Loki was getting more out of it even beyond the orgasms. Somehow it was helping him. His periods of lucidity stretched and he was able to maintain some form of calm for the first time. There was a sudden glimmer of hope in Loki’s dark world and Tony Stark was at the center of it. Not that the man had any idea or would care even if he did.

Then quite suddenly, everything changed. Loki had been feeling that itch. That nagging little buzzing in his brain that told him that soon his rational thoughts would be slipping out of his grasp. Those voices of the Void rose in the dark. Fortunately, Stark rarely kept normal human hours and rarely seemed too put off when Loki woke him up for sex, so Loki popped into his bedroom. 

Stark was asleep, so Loki grabbed him to wake him up. His magic lashed back at him, filling his vision with images of pain and capture and falling through the void. Loki was stunned. He had always seen Stark as this fearless, careless force to be reckoned with. And while he was still so much of those things, he had been through situations quite like Loki had. And he had come out the other side with the retention of his sanity and the desire to do good works. 

It wasn’t until Stark’s brown eyes were blinking up at him in confusion that Loki realized he had been whispering soothing words, had been stroking the man with care and gentleness, rather than the usual lust. Still, Loki wasn’t embarrassed or regretful. If that was what Stark needed, then that’s what he would provide. But too quickly that glimmer of light that was Tony Stark became a beacon and, for the first time, Loki truly thought that Stark might be able to pull him from the shadows. 

Of course, it was quickly evident that Stark had no intention of doing any such thing. It was far more convenient to have his dirty secret remain hidden. Stark couldn’t stand the thought of his perfect life being disrupted, and he certainly wouldn’t do so for anyone such as Loki. He tried to be worthy, he had worked for so long to stop hurting others, he fought to maintain his grasp of his sanity, but nothing was enough. It shouldn’t have been a surprise, after all, Loki had never been worthy, but it was a disappointment nonetheless. 

Loki managed to pull together just enough self respect to leave. Tony argued, Tony begged, but they were mere words. While Loki loved him with all the black, crumbled remains of his pitiful heart, he couldn’t hope to survive if he kept allowing himself to be hurt in this way. So Loki did the hardest thing he had ever done, harder than escaping Asgard, harder than trying to kill Thor and far harder than letting go of the bifrost; he let go of Tony Stark.

Hope is a powerful thing; it’s a crackling fire that warms from the inside out. It’s a light that remains in even the darkest of voids. But it’s so constant and intangible that it’s full worth can only truly be felt by its loss. Loki felt that lack like a constant ache, a sucking void in his center that would never close, never fill. Not quite the Void, because that one wasn’t actually empty, was it? But Loki was. He was as cold as the wastes of Jotunheim, a true Frost Giant at last.

But Loki had always been a survivor. Time was always on his side, no matter what inane words his mother fed him. He just needed to make it through this moment and the next and soon his next opportunity would be clear and he could change his circumstances. But after weeks of that consuming emptiness Loki realized that it would never get better. That time, far from being his savior, was his enemy, promising nothing more than millenia of this very pain. 

Loki had never been strong. He was a weak coward, and he knew that he had found something he just couldn’t face. It wasn’t just the loss of Stark, a hard blow in itself, but the realization that there was no chance for a happy ending. If a miracle happened and Loki got what he wanted, if he had Tony, it would be at the loss of everything Tony held dear. The man had been through so much, had weathered so many trials and come out the stronger and better for it, Loki just couldn’t bear to bring the hero down to his level.

Loki was tempted to slink off and tuck himself into a corner like a cat that knew that death was just on the horizon. Fade away until the pain was gone. But he knew that he couldn’t do it that way. Tony may not have cared for Loki as much as Loki cared for him, but he would wonder if Loki disappeared. He might even look for Loki, out of some noble concern at the very least. Thor would never stop searching either. Loki would be specter on the Avenger’s minds, lasting far past his own death with the concern that he could be just around the corner. So he needed something more dramatic.

Seeing Tony again is harder than Loki feared. He can’t bear to make eye contact with the man he loves, so he focuses on Thor instead. Loki expects arguments, he expects recriminations, but the heroes don’t know that it’s already too late. Loki’s already past the point of no return, his magic, his power is just seconds away from consuming him. 

The last thing that Loki expects is for Tony to dart forward to grab onto Loki. He has just a moment to enjoy the feeling of the man’s arms around his waist again. To soak in the words of love that Tony finally is able to utter. But the joy cannot outweigh the fear, not for himself but for the world he is leaving behind. 

Loki’s last thought before the wave of magic consumes them both is that at least he won't have to live in a world without Tony Stark. 


End file.
